“You look like you’re asking for it.”
The conversation I never wanted to have
There are conversations we’d rather not have. As a sensitive mother to a sensitive 13-year-old girl, I often think twice about what I say and how say it. But there are times when we need to grab the bull by the horns and stare it square in the face.
Last Sunday was one of these times, as these words came out of my daughter’s mouth:
“You look like you’re asking for it.”
They stopped me in my tracks. We had been enjoying one of our favourite mother/daughter dates, going shopping together and trying clothes on – just for fun. I had picked up a dress with a long front zip. It was rather boring and unflattering, so I opened the front zip to see if it would improve the overall look. It didn’t. But that’s when my daughter made that comment.
She didn’t mean any harm by it. It was said casually – a throw away comment – that was meant to confirm that this dress didn’t look good on me (and it really didn’t). But that comment kept ringing in my ears – the implications of it swirling round and around in my mind.
I can’t believe that this kind of comment would still be thrown around today. I wonder where she’s picked it up from. Does she even know what it means?
After mulling it over for a while, I decided to check it out. I took the opportunity of a quiet moment – as we sat down for a coffee – to ask the dreaded question:
“What do you think I was asking for, when you said that it looked like I was asking for ‘it’? What do you think the ‘it’ is?”
She looked embarrassed. I felt bad. I didn’t want to make her feel wrong. This wasn’t about her, this was about what society unconsciously teaches us to believe and absorb. But I wanted to understand if she understood what it meant.
She did.
Looking down and avoiding my gaze, she murmured sheepishly: “Rape?”
I almost felt pleased that she used that word – there was no pretending. She didn’t say “sex”, she said “rape” and that is exactly what this expression implies.
The conversation that followed was tough but necessary. I explained to her that no woman EVER asks to be raped.
A woman or a girl who dresses to attract attention does not ask to be raped, no matter what society tries to convince us otherwise. Wanting to feel and be thought of as desirable and attractive is nothing to do with sex or wanting sex. It’s about feeling good about ourselves. It’s about being seen, loved and wanted - powerful even. Wanting attention and affection is NOT the same thing as wanting sex.
We then talked about the double bind of rape victims – not only does something they did not want or ask for happened to them, but they are made to feel shame and blamed for it, as if somehow their behaviour justified it. Nothing can EVER justify any form of abuse or assault.
“Can a woman rape a man?” “But surely it can’t be very nice for a man if he has to force a woman to have sex.” The door had been opened and questions came pouring out. She seemed shocked when I mentioned beating – I don’t think she had quite realised that rape is an act of violence that can involve physical harm.
The conversation fell silent.
Did I lay in on too thick? Was I too crude? Is she too young for this?
“I feel sad. I don’t want to be raped,” she said.
I feel sad too. I feel sad that we live in a world where this conversation needs to happen. I feel sad that I feel like I’m one of the ‘lucky ones’ – one of the 3 in 4[1] women who hasn’t been raped or sexually assaulted.
I don’t know that there is a right way to have that conversation. I don’t want my daughter to live in fear, always watching out for potential predators like I did growing up. But I also know that she does need to watch out.
1 in 4…
These aren’t just statistics. These are real women. I’ve met them. I’ve heard their stories. They are police women, corporate leaders, therapists, writers, doctors, mums, wives.
I don’t want it to be my daughter. But I know that if it was to happen, it will never, EVER be her fault or because she “asked for it.”
I know this is a little different to my usual posts. But it felt important to write.
I hope you’ll agree. And I’d love to hear back from you and your experience. Do reply or head over to the substack website to reply in the comments.
With love and gratitude,
Nathalie 💫🌱
[1]https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-informed/statistics-sexual-violence/
This is such an important conversation to have and how brilliant that it came up naturally. You were able to use that comment to start such an open dialogue. We all need to take these opportunities to talk, and if they don't come naturally, we need create them.
Great post, Nathalie. It's the conversation I've had with my son too. About consent and connection and abuse. It's such an important subject. Well done for tackling it so honestly x